Mac's Musings

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Chapter 1: Just Breathe


It’s getting harder to fight. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I can feel this blackness smothering me and I feel as if there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

Alright, just stop for a moment. Just breathe. Just think of something happy and calm.

But visions of the earlier scene and all the ones like it assault me.

Always alone. Always eating alone with no friends to sit with me. And then the thinking escalates out of control.

Thinking is my enemy now. My mind goes on to think of what friends do I really have? My friends from high school are still back in the little town that only made my depression last every second of my life that I lived there. I thought leaving would make it go away.

“You just need a change of scenery”, he said. And maybe he was right but I still have bad spells that hit me every so often.

I have work friends but there is little time at work to see and talk to them, and I don’t know them as well as their closest friends. And all my work friends have lives of their own, no time deal with me.

I can just feel my insignificance in life crawling through me like worms eating away at the bright red beautiful apple. You can’t see how much has been destroyed just by looking at the surface.

What do I do? How do I make it stop? Why do these feelings keep coming back?

Why am I so alone?

I once heard that the loneliest people are the kindest, the saddest people smile the brightest, and the most damaged people are the wisest. I’ve also heard the higher a person’s IQ is the more likely they are to suffer from this smothering blackness that I will not name.

I know the first statement to be true. Unless you truly know me, you will never know how lonely, sad and damaged I am.

My home was broken when I was little, I was broken.

But I was little and could rebound perfectly. I learned to ignore others and their comments. Back then I was so full of light that no darkness could take me, as with all darkness it had to flee in the face of so much light.

But now… my light barely flickers and I don’t have a way to reignite it.
What do I do? What do I do? Make it stop!

Silence. Just think of silence, no chatting, not speech. If there’s no speech then there’s no little voice to tell me dark things about myself.

Just calm, just stillness. Like a beautiful pond or lake. So quiet and calming and beautiful.

Just breathe, just breathe and do nothing. Let it pass. Let it all pass.

Chapter 2:  Falling Further

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This entry was posted on October 9, 2014 by in Fantasy, Modern, Shadow Falls and tagged , , , , , , , , , , .

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