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It’s coming again. No… It’s already here.
I feel my body begin to shake as the darkness begins to engulf me once more.
“You think anyone gives a shit about your life and what you do? You are nothing but a pathetic attention whore clamoring for compliments. You need other people to validate your existence because you can’t do it yourself.” I hear from within my head.
The shaking gets worse as fear and despair sink in. I can’t help but think that it’s right. Why should anyone care about my life and what I do in it? It means nothing to anyone but me…
I can feel my insides shaking as well, my stomaching sinking lower and lower as I fall further.
It won’t stop. I can’t stop hearing that over and over in my head. And I know it’s true. All of it is true. I am an attention whore. And I don’t know why I still take breath. I guess it’s because I’m too stubborn and stupid to put a stop to it. There’s no reason for me to continue to exist. I don’t add anything to the lives around me. Nothing I do actually matters…
There is always someone better that could do a lot better than me. And the people around me realize that. That’s why they leave. That’s why I have no one or will have no one. They always find that better person, and I lose them and left to this all consuming darkness inside. And I’m waiting. There is still one who has stayed, but soon he’ll get tired… They always get tired of me… And then they’re gone.
I can feel my heart pounding in my chest and the unshed tears burning my eyes.
I don’t know what to do, and I can’t make it stop.
The truth hurts. It’s like a clawing in my chest and I can’t make it stop.
“Just keep your mouth shut if you’re going to continue breathing. That’s the LEAST you could do for the people around you. Shut up and do what you’re told. That’s the only value you have, when others have something for you to do. Just be a good little automaton. It’s not like you’re good for anything else.” I hear once more.
And I slump in my chair. It speaks the truth once more. I might as well make myself as useful as I can, even if it’s completely minuscule.
But as I go on, defeated, I can hear it saying, “You don’t matter, nothing you do matters,” over and over in my head.
Please, make it stop.
I just continue wasting air as I sit at my desktop, continuing to tap keys and complete my tasks.
Please, help me.
And the tears finally, silently fall.